I sit here in a whirlwind of days.
I can actually feel my pulse in my chest.
I am invigorated, excited, inspired.
My mind spins with possibilities and ideas.
They roll quickly, from one to the next, in almost chaotic succession, leaving me wondering
and then forgetting what I was wondering about.
I have been busy these days.
Loving, working, serving, planning, dreaming, creating, writing, helping, suffering.
And ever since I can remember, I’ve liked that feeling of doing.
Of having something to work on, something to think about, something to plan for, challenges to overcome, a goal to work toward.
It is the way I was created to be in this world.
I love doing.
And I tend to be good at it.
However, around seven o’clock last night, I became aware.
Aware as I often have in the past, and thankfully it comes to me more clearly now.
Aware that I am going too fast. That I am tripping forward. That my momentum is getting the better of me.
That as it often is, my gift has also once again become a stumbling block.
I’ve always been a staunch defender of Martha. I spent years pretending I wasn’t her. That instead, I was the peaceful, quiet, pensive Mary. Sitting. Still. Letting the others do.
But, obviously, no.
As I’ve known myself more, through age, through prayer, through my husband’s ever patient words, I see that Martha is my true kin.
I have that tendency toward action. And I believe that the world needs some of us out there.
But Jesus’ words are still real. And we can never ignore them. Even if we want to. So badly.
While I’m not worried and anxious about many things, I do feel the inordinate desire to do more. As if this momentum is some how attached to my self-worth. To the value of my soul. That there is some finish line I need to cross. And then I will finally be content.
An object in motion tends to stay in motion.
Does a soul in motion do the same? I think it can be so.
It won’t come – that day when I will have done it all, and can then rest. No.
All the things will never be done.
There will always be more to do. The world will always need more. My family will always need more. My Church will always need more. And we will never be able to fill it of ourselves. Because this is not heaven.
Yet He says “Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10
He tells me to BE STILL.
And so this stirring in my heart, this desire to keep going, to do more, to contribute, to serve, to change things, to create good… it can result in good things. I can, rightly focused, serve my Lord and my family with these gifts.
But they are NOT the summit of my being. They are not where God wants me to hang my hat.
My soul is not what I do. It is what I AM.
Because my heart will never be satisfied with a list of accomplishments.
My heart is only satisfied with Him.
Only him. Being with Him. Not just doing things for Him.
“You have made us for Yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in You.” – St. Augustine